October 31, 2015 § Leave a comment

/ This is just me ranting about wifi problems. Move along. /

Wifi in my house is completely down so guess who’s cellular data is going to be through the roof πŸ™‹πŸ»

It’s so annoying because we thought we had calibrated it correctly in the afternoon. (And it was mainly just me, because I had to be the one to calibrate the goddamn router since we bought a new one today as my parents are completely useless in technology) but now it just died on my phone and laptop and I am so pissed off(?)

Shouldn’t such a essential thing like WIFI and THE INTERNET have tech that is much more efficient and user friendly than those baffling set-up routers and 99 step calibration instructions?? 

You’d think that by now wifi should just be like in built into the computer or something so we don’t have to bother with setting up all the tech shit that no one understands(?) like how am I supposed to know if my IP address is dynamic or static and if I should duplicate my bloody MAC code whatever(?????)

I am seriously toeing the line of switching back to bloody dialup again. 

October 29, 2015 § Leave a comment

Stayed at home today because was not feeling it this morning and I felt sickly in the library yesterday. 

Did DHS math prelim paper and Econs and yeah. It’s a bit stressful at home because in school there is white noise (even though no ones talking in the library) but at home it’s totally silent and my thoughts (the bad ones,the insecure ones, the self-doubt ones) become even more amplified. Because it’s just me and the work and the time.

Reminds me of the DOM quote by wolfman Ferdinand: “A visor and a masque are like echoe chambers, never built for goodness.” 

(Okay, pretty sure that’s not the exact quote, but the gist is there) 

Also had to reply to an email about whether I could make it for the interview in Oxford IF (IF is the key word) I get an interview in Dec. Spent like 15 minutes worrying over whether the grammar was right, if my tone was okay etcetec for something that literally only needs to convey the message: “no, I probably can’t make it.” ΒΏΒΏΒΏ 

Which reminds me I need send Kings my LNAT ID hmmm. 

On a happier note, really liking the vibe at home these past days. Chatting with my parents about random stuff, trying to avoid thinking about As. 

But there’s no use stressing. My dad always says when I get 紧张 I always fuck up. (Another person also told me this ironically) so I got to keep my chin up and don’t let every bad thought consume me. 

I got this, everyone got this. 

October 27, 2015 § Leave a comment

Feel so groggy and sleepy after doing one CSQ and that’s just 1/3 of a history/lit paper ha ha ha 

Having chilli crab for dinner so Y A Y πŸ’•πŸ’•πŸ’• then after that gonna bathe and consolidate history questions, choose a few hard ones to do and do essay plans. Then will go through during consultation. Also really have to finish IST. I am a bad person for procrastinating on SEA. 

/half baked introspection/

I procrastinate because I fear failure. It’s not some shell-shocking revelation (studies have shown this) and honestly I don’t think it’s bs. Granted, it is not an excuse at all to not do my work on schedule but halfway to solving a problem is admitting you have one I guess. It’s a symptom of a much larger problem of that I fear failure and I fear disappointment. To stop disappointment I become apathetic and I stop caring. I stop aiming high to protect myself from the inevitable disappointment. It’s the classic thing where you stop loving because you don’t want to get hurt anymore. (Except my problem is my grades, how asian.)

The brightLit paths

October 26, 2015 § Leave a comment

Doing Duchess of Malfi in CBTL and I love this play so much. I always wondered why I liked P1 books more than P3 and I think it had to do with how the P1 books really is about the human condition. It deals with morality, fate and choice which I find fascinating to analyze and understand. And the symbolism and parallels in both DOM and ROTD just makes the lit kid in me die with happiness. 

Anyway, came across the passage in the final act of DOM whilst reading the load of explanatory text at the beginning. The quote was initially used to illustrate a different point but I kind of diverged from it and found like a whole new point in it? That’s what I like about lit, you etch and carve out your own analysis and meaning. Unlike history where it’s just “the facts will speak for itself”. How plebeian. (Sorry to all the hist teachers but there is a reason why I am a lit kid at heart haha) 

Cardinal: I am puzzled in a question about hell 

He says in hell there’s one material fire,

And yet it shall not burn all men alike.

Lay him by. [puts down the book]

This is interesting because this little snippet actually sums up the entirety of the play! For those who want the explanation in simple English, Cardinal was musing on something he read in his theological text about how there was only one hell (“material fire”) but not everyone was punished in the same way. (“Shall not burn all men alike”)

Now, I was wondering why Webster included this seemingly inconsequential part in and then I realised it was a metaphor for the entire play! In the play, all characters meet the same fate – death. And most of them meet death precisely because of their sins in life – Duchess/Antonio for defying the social order, Cardinal and Ferd being vindictive assholes, Bosola for being a confusing and morally ambiguous hipster. This they all burn in one “material fire”. However, the way they died differed. Cardinal and Ferd met with pathetic deaths at the man they hired, but Duchess triumphs in death in that she dies with dignity, a hero, a symbol of courage and hope and a matyr (she dies in a kneeling position). Thus we realize how all men may have destroyed by the same fire, but how they died differed.

JUST THOUGHT OF ANOTHER ANALYSIS!! The “fire” perhaps could also parallel to the “fire” symbolism of Ferd’s destructive nature. In the end, both he and Cardinal also end up being singed by their own cruelty. 

No idea how to fit this into any analysis but whatever man haha. Okay back to more analysis!

Dinner or Dignity: Expecting the Poor to Remain Moral

October 22, 2015 § Leave a comment

A few days ago my son and I went grocery shopping. As a general rule, I do not take my baby with me to grocery shop because as any mother of young children – my son turns seven next month – will tell you, a trip for groceries with the children turns into an event […]


My darling, (L)it’s been too long.Β 

October 22, 2015 § Leave a comment

FINALLY doing lit πŸ™‚ And okay, maybe it’s because I have a consult tomorrow but ugh I feel so shitty for leaving it aside. 😦 totally deserved that grade I got but no matter!! Comeback kid in A’levels πŸ’ͺ🏼

It’s been too long my darling lit books (especially you DOM) I’m sorry to have abandoned you for so long because of dastardly history. 

Gonna write down all my favourite DOM quotes because it is such a awesome play? So much moral decay and anarchy πŸ’•πŸ’•πŸ’•

“We are merely the stars tennis balls, struck and branded / which way please them.” 

  • One of my fav Bosola quotes!! It’s so poetic and feelsy
  • If I still had Instagram I would totally have used this on my profile tbh 🎾

“Whether we fall by ambition, blood or lust / Like diamonds we are cut by our own dust.”

  • One of the iconic lines but I still really love it all the same 
  • Ambition: possibly Bosola? I think I told Ms Ng if it could be symbolic reference to Cardinal but she said no, because throughout the play he was largely apathetic and he did not actively try to gain power (moreover he simply wanted control) 
  • Blood: Cardinal and Ferdinand! Two meanings, first obviously is the violent nature of both of them (and their violent ends) and second would be their obsession over keeping their royal “blood” clean 
  • Lust: Duchess, Julia and Ferdinand. 
  • Read somewhere this has something to do with how it is not so much fate that dictates the end of the characters, but their actions/sins during life

“I account this world a tedious theatre / For I do play a part in it against my will.

  • This quote is super… Meta
  • Because she’s a actor playing a character saying how she hates playing the role her fate had dictated to her 

“What are thou?”

“A most wretched thing / That only have thy benefit in death / To appear myself.”

  • Okay, another one of my favourites because the very character who was the pinnacle of goodness, innocence and hope has just said he was glad to have been stabbed so he can emerge as his true form of a pathetic “wretched” thing 
  • Because for those who hasn’t read my H3 I really have a thing for when people shit on the whole concept of innocence and innocents haha 
  • It’s just the whole “I love destroying beautiful things” that gets to me, because what is less pristine and beautiful as virtue and innocence?

“In all our quests of greatness,

Like wanton boys whose pastime is their care,

We follow after bubbles blown in th’air.

Pleasure of life – what is’t? Only the good hours

Of an ague, merely a preparative

To rest, to endure vexation.”

  • Like holy shit beautiful words are beautiful. 
  • This is made even better by the fact it is by Antonio (who until this point was a ball of sunshine and optimism) and Webster literally kicked him in the stomach and stomped all over him haha
  • Basically the “bubbles” that are usually blown by children  are symbolic of the frivolous and empty pursuit of human ambition – the vanity of the human existence 
  • Then he notes how the peaceful interim a of life (“pleasure of life”/ “good hours of an ague”) are merely there to compel one to array on through further suffering and eventually death (“endure vexation”)
  • With words like this how can you not love lit, you know? 

^who says when you go to JC your books don’t have pictures anymore. πŸ˜‰

Maybe I will do a similar post for the other texts (gotta dig deep for Woman Warrior tho, that book grates on my soul #badfeminist? #badasian?) 

Shits and gigglesΒ 

October 20, 2015 § 1 Comment

Also, I vaguely remember yesterday I dreamnt that UCL and LSE rejected me. Like I remember reading a webpage and it was like this “REJECTION” across the two tables. Lucky didn’t dream of oXf0rD though lol

I don’t remember how I felt (in the dream) but can my subconscious not be such a screw up and make me start stress-dreaming?? 

I hate remembering my dreams because I always feel so tired after them. 

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